The Ribald Report

you know you’re a petrosexual when…

you think: i wish that girl in a bikini would get out of the way so i could see the car better

in other news, i want to learn sign language, but there’s precious few classes around here. i would drop three grand in a heartbeat and take an immersive two week course in washington dc, but i have to save up my vacation days for me mum.

on medicaid

during the third year of pharmacy school, the class was in a riot! the topic: the unfairness of the american welfare system. people were passionately arguing and shouting, some were literally crying. ironically, they were all arguing the same thing: welfare is ludicrously unfair. then, one young man raised his hand and held it there until the professor managed to shush everyone (which took a while). he solemnly stated something to the effect of, “this shouldn’t be a question of fairness. we live in a nation that is wealthy enough to ensure no one goes sick or hungry. isn’t it our moral duty?”

for the ignorant, medicaid is a joint federal and state funded program to cover the medical needs of certain populations. these people are children and their guardians and the terminally disabled (AIDS). even those in support of it couldn’t argue that it is a fair program but, in theory, it is the morally correct thing to do.

if you ask any pharmacy personnel to describe the typical medicaid patient, they could lecture you for an hour. it may be a generalization, but the typical medicaid patient is rude, ungrateful, impatient and ignorant. i’ve only met a few nice medicaid patients, and i believe the reason is because good medicaid patients don’t stay on medicaid for long.

so while i can’t say i like medicaid, i do support it. i do have a couple ideas for decreasing costs, however:

• narcotics abuse. it genuinely warms my heart to know that a sick child will get better, in part due to my money. but my heart turns sour in an instant when a druggie walks away with a month’s supply of lortab for fifty cents. narcotics should only be covered for minors; benzodiazepines should only be covered for seizure patients. (a side note is that these medications are shit cheap. you can buy a month’s supply of either for less than $15)
• luxury penalties. nothing pisses me off more than a medicaid patient pulling out a smartphone at the counter. cable television, expensive cars, and any other show of wealth should be accompanied with a penalty to benefits.
• ADHD medication overuse. i hardly believe in the diagnosis of ADHD. i also believe that if you put anyone on amphetamines, they will perform better. finally, i don’t believe in giving children mind altering drugs with possible developmental effects.

are these rules fair? no! but neither is the system. that was a long post! but it’s hard to be concise when it comes to topics this big.

if there’s one surefire way to improve your reflex time and decrease accidents when you’re driving, most of us would jump right on it, right? until you find out that it’s putting down that goddamn cell phone. and the thing i hate most about talking and driving is the pure arrogance of it all.

inevitably, the first argument is: “well, i’m a pretty good driver and i don’t let myself get distracted.” you’re probably not that great of a driver and how the fuck are you going to know exactly when you need to start paying attention?

the second is, “this is an important conversation.” if it’s important enough to deserve your full attention, pull over and give it your full attention.

but the most awful part of all this arrogance is that you’re basically stating that the convenience of taking a call is more important than the human lives you put in danger. you’re driving a two ton machine at lethal speeds: shouldn’t that warrant your full attention?

i used to play violin and i had an amazing teacher (who i didn’t appreciate enough at the time). she was from new zealand, which served to (1) make her so much more flippin’ adorable and (2) probably give her a foul taste of the states after the events i’ll discuss. it seemed, in addition to me not appreciating her, no one else did either. neither her students or colleagues. i’m still not sure why, i honestly think it was just a run of bad luck.

she practically lived at the school. she was either teaching class or holding private lessons or practicing or performing. since it was a second home, it really made sense that she felt comfortable leaving her beloved violin there. well, someone breaks into her office and steals it one night. and it broke her heart, a phrase which i don’t use that term lightly. it takes a special derangement for a person to become as attached to an inanimate object as she was (i.e. me and my bike).

the shittiest part of all this is that the resale value would be pretty low. the theif couldn’t sell it at a reputable dealer, since it was a relatively famous violin. the shitbag probably pawned it off somewhere. it’s shameful how some people can stomp on someone’s heart for a couple dollars

reinforcing my beliefs, i almost got t-boned the other day! probably because the other driver was on a goddamn cell phone. the other car’s brakes were screeching, i slammed on my van’s accelerator pedal.* (which caused this sickening cracking sound) i know i should be glad to have the car’s cage around me, but it just left me with the feeling that i’d rather die on a bike than in a van.

*it’s my unshakeable belief that accidents are exacerbated when the victim brakes. my only big accident probably could have been avoided if i had hit the gas. since then, i’ve avoided numerous accidents or lessened their severity by accelerating.

in my hand, i hold the tag renewal letters for two of the most beautiful vehicles ever made. :(

my mother’s coming in three days and i have a fridge that has no food in it and about $150 worth of alcohol!

jenny holzer